The parties of 2019

 

Affordable Housing Party

A loose collective of down-at-heel avocado farmers and artisan bakers whose businesses are failing because everyone is saving for a deposit*. I’m nitpicking here, but ‘affordable housing’ is a term that refers specifically to housing for low-income people, whereas this party’s platform is all about housing affordability across the board. I feel like that’s the kind of difference you might want to know about if it’s your entire platform and the name of your party.                                                                                *May or may not be true.

 

Animal Justice Party

Morally upstanding but a bit short-sighted. They’re willing to sacrifice unique ecosystems in Kosciuszko National Park in order to avoid culling the exploding brumby population. (If you’re familiar with the Trolley Problem, they’re the ones who wouldn’t pull the lever.)

 

Australian Better Families

Offshoot of the Brotherhood of Fathers. Men’s rights activists who’ve dressed up their party with a slick website and a suite of reasonable-looking policies and have somehow managed to gaslight a woman into running as one of their candidates.

 

Australian Christians

Spin-off of the Christian Democratic Party, putting a heavy emphasis on stopping Bill Shorten because he wants taxpayers to fund abortions. The charter is mostly just bible verses and bigotry.

 

Australian Conservatives

Cory Bernardi’s autofellated hateboner.

 

Australian Democrats

You know those scenes in movies where we all think the hero is dead but then someone does CPR and the hero coughs up a lungful of goo and then runs off to finish saving the world? Well this is nothing like that. This is the Dems getting a blood transfusion from CountryMinded and then spending the rest of their days eating soup through a straw.

 

Australian Labor Party

John Howard said that Bill Shorten would be the most left-wing Prime Minister since world war two. The ghosts of Whitlam and Fraser are sitting in the public gallery guffawing like the two old guys from the Muppets.

 

The Australian Mental Health Party

Self-explanatory.

 

Australian People’s Party

Self-described centrist party founded by a former Palmer United Party candidate. Usually parties that call themselves centrist turn out to be centre-right, but this one is a weird cocktail of big government promises and hard right jingoism. They lost me at “Take action to deport all 50,000 current illegal immigrants.” Pretty sure those illegal immigrants are mostly Brits, and we need them to serve our drinks.

 

Australian Progressives

Non-threateningly progressive, like a nice keep cup or a kale salad with bacon chunks.

 

Australian Workers Party

A new party explicitly geared toward fighting neoliberalism, which is nice to see, but they want to do it by achieving full employment via Modern Monetary Theory (MMT). I’m not an economist and I don’t fully understand what I’ve read about MMT, but the general consensus among economists seems to be that it’s bollocks.

 

Centre Alliance

Formerly the Nick Xenophon Team, but it changed its name after Xenophon was embroiled in the 2017 parliamentary citizenship imbroglio and quit Federal politics. Very SA-focused, and maybe a bit to the right of centre, but not actively awful, which is a breath of fresh air.

 

Christian Democratic Party (Fred Nile Group)

I’m too fed up with these shitheads to even try to come up with something pithy.

 

Citizens Electoral Council

Much like Romania’s 2019 Eurovision entry, On a Sunday by Ester Peony: compellingly strange but ultimately unsatisfying and devoid of substance, and now there’s an unpleasant metallic taste in my mouth and my left hand is tingling.

 

Climate Action! Immigration Action! Accountable Politicians!

Formerly Online Direct Democracy, formerly Senator Online. Like Voteflux, except with doodle polls or something instead of blockchain, and pretending that they actually stand for something.

 

Country Labor

Part of the ALP, just with more hats.

 

Country Liberals

Not part of the Libs, but also more hats. Only a going concern in the Northern Territory.

 

Democratic Labour Party (aka Labour DLP in some states)

One of the Christian nutter parties. Not the worst of them, but certainly nasty.

 

Derryn Hinch’s Justice Party

Hinch ran for the Senate so that he could name child sex offenders under parliamentary privilege, and he used his maiden speech to do just that. Job done, now please fuck off.

 

FRASER ANNING’S CONSERVATIVE NATIONAL PARTY

Angry two-finger typist commenting on youtube videos who somehow got elected with 19 votes and then got everyone’s attention by being a hate-filled shitmuppet. Ignore him and he’ll go away.

 

The Great Australian Party

Predictably boneheaded mess headed up by ex-One Nation chair-moistener Rod Culleton and vexatious litigant (and alleged con-man) Wayne Glew.

 

The Greens

Bushfires, landslides, cyclones and floods. Rising seas and ever hotter summers. The apocalypse is here, but still you won’t vote for the Greens, will you? Because ‘That Richard di Natale always looks so smug with his architect glasses,’ and ‘That Sarah Hanson-Young, she’s quite an aggressive woman, isn’t she?’ and ‘They’ve had some internal strife, haven’t they? Better not vote for them until they get their house in order.’ Yeah, thank goodness Labor and the Libs are such shining exemplars of stability and cohesion.

 

Health Australia Party

They really really want you to know that they’re not anti-vaxxers. They’re just angry with Victoria’s ‘no jab no play’ legislation. But they’re not anti-vaxxers. You should know that. They’re just naturopaths who want government subsidies for naturopathy. But they’re not anti-vaxxers. Let’s be clear on that. Not anti-vaxxers.

 

Help End Marijuana Prohibition (HEMP) Party

Optimistic stoners.

 

Independents for Climate Action Now

Climate-focused party headed up by Father Rod Bower, the priest behind all those brilliant Gosford Anglican Church signs that went viral.

 

Involuntary Medication Objectors (Vaccination/Fluoride) Party

Anti-vaxxers. I checked, and these ones definitely are. Also they want our teeth to rot.

 

Jacqui Lambie Network

Mercurial Tasmanian ex-senator with a history spanning Labor, the Libs and Palmer United, who would just be a normal shouty member of the public were it not for a quirk of our system that gives Tasmania with its 522,000 people the same number of senators as NSW with its 7.9 million people.

 

Katter’s Australian Party

Men in hats. Much stronger hat game than Country Liberal and Country Labor.

 

Labour DLP (aka Democratic Labour Party in some states)

One of the Christian nutter parties. Not the worst of them, but certainly nasty.

 

Liberal

Australian political arm of Rupert Murdoch’s global empire.

 

Liberal Democrats

Schoolyard bullies who go running to the teacher the moment anyone stands up to them.

 

Liberal National Party of Queensland

Queensland vote-feeder for Australian political arm of Rupert Murdoch’s global empire.

 

Love Australia or Leave

I left for a while, but then I was obliged to come back, and parties like this exist, so no, I don’t love it, but leaving is difficult because I’ve unpacked now. And because the cost of living in Australia is so high that I can’t afford the flight out. (In all seriousness, this is one of the worst parties. Founder Kim Vuga was on the SBS show Go Back to Where You Came From, and somehow what she took from that experience was not that we need to treat refugees better, but instead that we need to keep our borders closed and leave the UN. I can’t even begin to comprehend how a person can be that fucking awful.)

 

The Nationals

Rural vote-feeder for Australian political arm of Rupert Murdoch’s global empire.

 

Non-Custodial Parents Party (Equal Parenting)

Bunch of guys who feel victimised by the current legislation around custody and child support. Like Australian Better Families, but more up-front about it.

 

Pauline Hanson’s One Nation

Have you ever suckled on a pancreas? Have you ever felt your fingertip tingle as it caresses a page of Mein Kampf? Have you ever danced a mazurka with a cuttlefish? Have you heard your pulse quicken in your ears as you breathe in the lusty reek of crematorium smoke? Have you ever swallowed an egg and then shat out a live goose? Have you felt your hands close around a homeless man’s throat and watched the light go out of his eyes and then waited with giddy excitement for the sounds of police at your door? Have you ever left an all-caps comment on a youtube video? Have you even lived?

 

Pirate Party

Progressive party that used to be mostly about streaming music for free but has over the years developed a full suite of evidence-based policies that are generally pretty solid. I don’t agree with their policy of limiting copyright to 15 years, but they have intriguing ideas on tax and basic income.

 

Republican Party of Australia

I’d like to tell you about them, but I can’t get their website to work. Clearly a force to be reckoned with.

 

Rise Up Australia Party

Abhorrent. The worst of Australia’s nazi parties.

 

Science Party

Progressive party that bases its policies on evidence, though the evidence is pointing to them never succeeding in getting a candidate into parliament, so it’s not entirely clear why they’re persisting.

 

Secular Party of Australia

Party based on the radical notion that maybe we should be paying more than lip service to the separation of church and state.

 

 Seniors United Party of Australia

Some good policies around making old age slightly less horrific, and some policies that are just about rich old people hoarding wealth. Swings and roundabouts.

 

Shooters, Fishers and Farmers

But mostly shooters.

 

The Small Business Party

They want boundless tax cuts and also more public infrastructure, just like I want to stop doing paid work and also buy a new motorbike. And they don’t seem to have realised that a firm regulatory environment is the only thing stopping big business from swallowing small business whole.

 

Socialist Alliance

A bit susceptible to sloganeering, but they’re not the flag-waving, Trotsky-quoting, secret handshake third generation unionist club that puts so many people off. Crucially, they’re quite active on climate change, which has traditionally been a bit of a weak point in Australian socialist policy.

 

Socialist Equality

The flag-waving, Trotsky-quoting, secret handshake third generation unionist club that puts so many people off. Still, smashing capitalism is a nice goal, so props to them for that.

 

Sustainable Australia

WE’RE NOT RACIST. WE’RE NOT! Thing is, if you’re banging on about a sustainable population but you’re only talking about slowing immigration without being willing to talk about slowing birth rates, I’m gonna go ahead and call you racist.

 

The Together Party

Centre-left party based in Mullumbimby. Very pleasant.

 

United Australia Party

Clive Palmer. The unflushable turd of Australian industry has become the unflushable turd of Australian politics. Would be entertaining if the stench weren’t so toxic.

 

Victorian Socialists

Recently created alliance of various Victorian lefty groups (and individuals). Seems a bit more accessible and populist than Socialist Equality.

 

VOTEFLUX.ORG | Upgrade Democracy!

Blockchain-based direct democracy: the public can vote to tell the senator which way to vote on any given bill. An interesting idea, but highly susceptible to organised influence-peddling.

 

WESTERN AUSTRALIA PARTY

Centre right localist party. I’m a little disappointed that they’re not calling for secession.

 

The Women’s Party

Why do we need a women’s party? Well, when I did a search on their name, google tried to autofill it to “women’s party dresses”. For real. It’s a very new party, so they haven’t had time to really flesh out their policies, but the main thrust is equal representation (currently women only make up 32% of our parliament), and they’ve got a few policy positions around gender issues, indigenous issues, corruption and climate change. One to watch in future elections.

 

Yellow Vest Australia

Formerly Australian Liberty Alliance. In 2016 I said: “Angry Anderson (remember him? didn’t think so) vowing to stop the Islamisation of Australia. Last time I checked, Islam was holding steady at 2.2% of the population, so maybe one bald dickhead is all it takes to hold the hordes at bay.” Well, since then it’s risen to 2.6% of the population, so I guess I called that one wrong. My bad. But nazi parties make up 17% of the ballot sheet, so I think the nazis are still winning.

 

Printable nationwide list

Printable ACT list

Printable NSW list

Printable NT list

Printable QLD list

Printable SA list

Printable TAS list

Printable VIC list

Printable WA list

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The parties of 2016

Health Australia Party

Rebranding of the Natural Medicine Party, which was probably a better description. Anti-vaxxers, fluoridophobes and homeopaths trying to expand their business via changes to medical legislation.

 

Seniors United Party of Australia

Finally, a voice in parliament for the wealthiest generation that ever lived.

 

Family First

But only if your family consists of a white Christian man, a white Christian woman and at least two white Christian children and you believe everyone else is headed straight for hell.

 

Liberal Democrats

Headed by David Leyonhjelm, who made it into the Senate in 2013 because of a herd of Lib voters being too stupid to correctly identify their preferred party. The Lib Dems are committed Libertarians whose ability to ignore all of the evidence on every possible issue would make any cult proud.

 

VOTEFLUX.ORG | Upgrade Democracy

Flux (n) – an abnormal or morbid discharge of blood or other matter from the body. Whenever there’s a bill before the Senate, you use an app to discharge your opinion into a tame crossbencher and tell him (yes, it’s always going to be a him) which way to vote on each bill. Founded by two Bitcoin consultants, and works on the same blockchain principle, whatever the hell that means.

 

Liberal

You wake up in an ice bath and realise that your left leg is missing, and Rupert Murdoch tells you that brown people and greenies and reds all conspired to steal your leg and are coming back for the rest of your limbs, but then why is Rupert wearing a blood-stained hospital gown, and why does his left leg look familiar, and there, on the knee, isn’t that the scar that you got when you were ten years old and fell off your bicycle?

 

The Nationals

You wake up in a shed and realise that your left leg is missing, and Rupert Murdoch tells you that brown people and greenies and reds all conspired to steal your leg and are coming back for the rest of your limbs, but then why is Rupert wearing a blood-stained hospital gown, and why does his left leg look familiar, and there, on the knee, isn’t that the scar you got when you were ten years old and got kicked by a horse?

 

Democratic Labour Party (DLP)

If you’re an economic progressive yet somehow still a dyed in the wool Christian homophobe, this is the party for you.

 

Science Party

Formerly the Future Party. They’re still naïve, but now they’ve got a full quiver of policies, mostly geared toward fixing the shitblizzard of the last three years.

 

Australian Cyclists Party

Does exactly what it says on the box.

 

Shooters, Fishers and Farmers

This party is like the time I hurt my back a few years ago and thought the problem would go away like it always had before, except it didn’t and now I live with chronic back pain.

 

Voluntary Euthanasia Party

As advertised.

 

Socialist Alliance

The kind of socialists you can actually have a conversation with.

 

Rise Up Australia Party

The actual worst. Founded by someone who got thrown out of Family First for too much hate speech, which is like getting kicked out of Labor for not doing anything.

 

Labor

The post-war European centre right party for Australia today.

 

Online Direct Democracy – (Empowering the People!)

Like VOTEFLUX, but with PollyWeb instead of the Bitcoin blockchain. (If you say that sentence backwards at the stroke of midnight when the moon is full, Lucifer will appear and grant you three votes on bills that will never get up.)

 

Derryn Hinch’s Justice Party

It turns out that this is about Derryn Hinch’s notion of justice, not about bringing Derryn Hinch to justice. Which is disappointing. A Federal party campaigning on State issues, implying either ignorance or extreme cynicism. My money is on cynicism.

 

Jacqui Lambie Network

Anatomically incorrect: the logo is a map of Tasmania, but the policy platform is an arsehole.

 

Pirate Party Australia

Basically progressive, and I agree with them on most things, but their ideas on intellectual property are anti-artist and their views on tax are just idiotic.

 

Pauline Hanson’s One Nation

Have you ever licked a gallbladder?

 

Veterans Party

Supporting veterans with no nonsense, no political game playing and absolutely no policies.

 

 Secular Party of Australia

Basically pretty great, but there are a couple of issues where the commitment to secularism starts to look a little like Islamophobia.

 

CountryMinded

I don’t agree with everything they say, but I’m not really their target audience. This is essentially the party that the National Party should be.

 

Socialist Equality Party

Trotskyists. Well-intentioned but fanatical. These are the people who never forgot that Che’s real first name was Ernest.

 

Katter’s Australian Party

Uncle Ho and Margaret Thatcher cohabiting in a single mind.

 

Palmer United Party

The earth will shake violently, trees will be uprooted, mountains will fall, and all binds will snap – Palmer will be free. Palmer will go forth with his mouth opened wide, his upper jaw touching the sky and his lower jaw the earth, and he will swallow Odin in a single gulp. Flames will burn from his eyes and nostrils, and his sons will come after to swallow the sun and the moon.

 

Citizens Electoral Council

Possibly just straight-up insane. Climate deniers, but economically kinda socialist. Anti-Semitic and possibly white supremacist, but pro-immigration. They also claim that the Port Arthur massacre was commissioned by the British royal family and implemented by a mental health NGO.

 

Australian Motoring Enthusiast Party

The Eddie the Eagle of befuddled right-wing governance.

 

Animal Justice Party

Better people than me.

 

The Arts Party

Sound policies, surprisingly shitty logo. Come on Arts Party, you had one job to do.

 

Non-Custodial Parents Party (Equal Parenting)

Fielded candidates for the last six Federal elections. Seventh time lucky, guys.

 

Mature Australia

Your racist Western Australian aunt.

 

Christian Democratic Party (Fred Nile Group)

The party’s charter is just a bunch of bible quotes. It’s like we’re in Pennsylvania in the fucking 17th Century.

 

Australian Sex Party

Are you turned on by sound economic and social policies with a strong evidence basis? Then number the box and put your ballot in the slot.

 

Australian Progressives

A broad suite of evidence-based best practice policies that only seems progressive because Australia is such a regressive ideological clusterfuck.

 

Nick Xenophon Team

A bit far to the right for me personally, but Xenophon has done exactly what an independent senator is supposed to do, and pretty close to exactly what he said he would do. Which is refreshing.

 

Drug Law Reform

Single issue party focused on treating drug use as a health issue rather than a criminal one. The stance seems well reasoned. It’s just a bit hard to take them seriously when their logo is a hemp leaf.

 

Sustainable Australia

Formerly the Stable Population Party. They want a ‘sustainable’ population through lower immigration. If they actually cared about sustainability they’d be calling for a lower global population, but instead they’re calling for reduced population growth in a country with only 24 million people. Which means that what they are is simply racist.

 

The Greens

Yes, they wear suits now, but at least those suits are made from sustainable bamboo in a small Liberian social enterprise that sponsors education initiatives for orphaned girls.

 

Australian Liberty Alliance

Angry Anderson (remember him? didn’t think so) vowing to stop the Islamisation of Australia. Last time I checked, Islam was holding steady at 2.2% of the population, so maybe one bald dickhead is all it takes to hold the hordes at bay.

 

Renewable Energy Party

Single issue, seems good prima facie, but founded by Peter Breen, who was Ricky Muir’s only staffer for a time. I can’t figure out whether this is a good sign (Breen taught Muir how to be a halfway decent senator) or a terrible sign (how can someone go from the petrolhead party to a renewables party and expect to be believed?).

 

Marijuana (HEMP) Party

Entirely about legalising weed, and there’s no suggestion that they’ve thought about a policy position on any other issues. My concern is that they’d side with anyone who takes snacks into the chamber.

 

Anti-paedophile Party

Fair enough, but they’re also anti-sex education. So they’re imbeciles.