Affordable Housing Party
A loose collective of down-at-heel avocado farmers and artisan bakers whose businesses are failing because everyone is saving for a deposit*. I’m nitpicking here, but ‘affordable housing’ is a term that refers specifically to housing for low-income people, whereas this party’s platform is all about housing affordability across the board. I feel like that’s the kind of difference you might want to know about if it’s your entire platform and the name of your party. *May or may not be true.
Animal Justice Party
Morally upstanding but a bit short-sighted. They’re willing to sacrifice unique ecosystems in Kosciuszko National Park in order to avoid culling the exploding brumby population. (If you’re familiar with the Trolley Problem, they’re the ones who wouldn’t pull the lever.)
Australian Better Families
Offshoot of the Brotherhood of Fathers. Men’s rights activists who’ve dressed up their party with a slick website and a suite of reasonable-looking policies and have somehow managed to gaslight a woman into running as one of their candidates.
Australian Christians
Spin-off of the Christian Democratic Party, putting a heavy emphasis on stopping Bill Shorten because he wants taxpayers to fund abortions. The charter is mostly just bible verses and bigotry.
Australian Conservatives
Cory Bernardi’s autofellated hateboner.
Australian Democrats
You know those scenes in movies where we all think the hero is dead but then someone does CPR and the hero coughs up a lungful of goo and then runs off to finish saving the world? Well this is nothing like that. This is the Dems getting a blood transfusion from CountryMinded and then spending the rest of their days eating soup through a straw.
Australian Labor Party
John Howard said that Bill Shorten would be the most left-wing Prime Minister since world war two. The ghosts of Whitlam and Fraser are sitting in the public gallery guffawing like the two old guys from the Muppets.
The Australian Mental Health Party
Self-explanatory.
Australian People’s Party
Self-described centrist party founded by a former Palmer United Party candidate. Usually parties that call themselves centrist turn out to be centre-right, but this one is a weird cocktail of big government promises and hard right jingoism. They lost me at “Take action to deport all 50,000 current illegal immigrants.” Pretty sure those illegal immigrants are mostly Brits, and we need them to serve our drinks.
Australian Progressives
Non-threateningly progressive, like a nice keep cup or a kale salad with bacon chunks.
Australian Workers Party
A new party explicitly geared toward fighting neoliberalism, which is nice to see, but they want to do it by achieving full employment via Modern Monetary Theory (MMT). I’m not an economist and I don’t fully understand what I’ve read about MMT, but the general consensus among economists seems to be that it’s bollocks.
Centre Alliance
Formerly the Nick Xenophon Team, but it changed its name after Xenophon was embroiled in the 2017 parliamentary citizenship imbroglio and quit Federal politics. Very SA-focused, and maybe a bit to the right of centre, but not actively awful, which is a breath of fresh air.
Christian Democratic Party (Fred Nile Group)
I’m too fed up with these shitheads to even try to come up with something pithy.
Citizens Electoral Council
Much like Romania’s 2019 Eurovision entry, On a Sunday by Ester Peony: compellingly strange but ultimately unsatisfying and devoid of substance, and now there’s an unpleasant metallic taste in my mouth and my left hand is tingling.
Climate Action! Immigration Action! Accountable Politicians!
Formerly Online Direct Democracy, formerly Senator Online. Like Voteflux, except with doodle polls or something instead of blockchain, and pretending that they actually stand for something.
Country Labor
Part of the ALP, just with more hats.
Country Liberals
Not part of the Libs, but also more hats. Only a going concern in the Northern Territory.
Democratic Labour Party (aka Labour DLP in some states)
One of the Christian nutter parties. Not the worst of them, but certainly nasty.
Derryn Hinch’s Justice Party
Hinch ran for the Senate so that he could name child sex offenders under parliamentary privilege, and he used his maiden speech to do just that. Job done, now please fuck off.
FRASER ANNING’S CONSERVATIVE NATIONAL PARTY
Angry two-finger typist commenting on youtube videos who somehow got elected with 19 votes and then got everyone’s attention by being a hate-filled shitmuppet. Ignore him and he’ll go away.
The Great Australian Party
Predictably boneheaded mess headed up by ex-One Nation chair-moistener Rod Culleton and vexatious litigant (and alleged con-man) Wayne Glew.
The Greens
Bushfires, landslides, cyclones and floods. Rising seas and ever hotter summers. The apocalypse is here, but still you won’t vote for the Greens, will you? Because ‘That Richard di Natale always looks so smug with his architect glasses,’ and ‘That Sarah Hanson-Young, she’s quite an aggressive woman, isn’t she?’ and ‘They’ve had some internal strife, haven’t they? Better not vote for them until they get their house in order.’ Yeah, thank goodness Labor and the Libs are such shining exemplars of stability and cohesion.
Health Australia Party
They really really want you to know that they’re not anti-vaxxers. They’re just angry with Victoria’s ‘no jab no play’ legislation. But they’re not anti-vaxxers. You should know that. They’re just naturopaths who want government subsidies for naturopathy. But they’re not anti-vaxxers. Let’s be clear on that. Not anti-vaxxers.
Help End Marijuana Prohibition (HEMP) Party
Optimistic stoners.
Independents for Climate Action Now
Climate-focused party headed up by Father Rod Bower, the priest behind all those brilliant Gosford Anglican Church signs that went viral.
Involuntary Medication Objectors (Vaccination/Fluoride) Party
Anti-vaxxers. I checked, and these ones definitely are. Also they want our teeth to rot.
Jacqui Lambie Network
Mercurial Tasmanian ex-senator with a history spanning Labor, the Libs and Palmer United, who would just be a normal shouty member of the public were it not for a quirk of our system that gives Tasmania with its 522,000 people the same number of senators as NSW with its 7.9 million people.
Katter’s Australian Party
Men in hats. Much stronger hat game than Country Liberal and Country Labor.
Labour DLP (aka Democratic Labour Party in some states)
One of the Christian nutter parties. Not the worst of them, but certainly nasty.
Liberal
Australian political arm of Rupert Murdoch’s global empire.
Liberal Democrats
Schoolyard bullies who go running to the teacher the moment anyone stands up to them.
Liberal National Party of Queensland
Queensland vote-feeder for Australian political arm of Rupert Murdoch’s global empire.
Love Australia or Leave
I left for a while, but then I was obliged to come back, and parties like this exist, so no, I don’t love it, but leaving is difficult because I’ve unpacked now. And because the cost of living in Australia is so high that I can’t afford the flight out. (In all seriousness, this is one of the worst parties. Founder Kim Vuga was on the SBS show Go Back to Where You Came From, and somehow what she took from that experience was not that we need to treat refugees better, but instead that we need to keep our borders closed and leave the UN. I can’t even begin to comprehend how a person can be that fucking awful.)
The Nationals
Rural vote-feeder for Australian political arm of Rupert Murdoch’s global empire.
Non-Custodial Parents Party (Equal Parenting)
Bunch of guys who feel victimised by the current legislation around custody and child support. Like Australian Better Families, but more up-front about it.
Pauline Hanson’s One Nation
Have you ever suckled on a pancreas? Have you ever felt your fingertip tingle as it caresses a page of Mein Kampf? Have you ever danced a mazurka with a cuttlefish? Have you heard your pulse quicken in your ears as you breathe in the lusty reek of crematorium smoke? Have you ever swallowed an egg and then shat out a live goose? Have you felt your hands close around a homeless man’s throat and watched the light go out of his eyes and then waited with giddy excitement for the sounds of police at your door? Have you ever left an all-caps comment on a youtube video? Have you even lived?
Pirate Party
Progressive party that used to be mostly about streaming music for free but has over the years developed a full suite of evidence-based policies that are generally pretty solid. I don’t agree with their policy of limiting copyright to 15 years, but they have intriguing ideas on tax and basic income.
Republican Party of Australia
I’d like to tell you about them, but I can’t get their website to work. Clearly a force to be reckoned with.
Rise Up Australia Party
Abhorrent. The worst of Australia’s nazi parties.
Science Party
Progressive party that bases its policies on evidence, though the evidence is pointing to them never succeeding in getting a candidate into parliament, so it’s not entirely clear why they’re persisting.
Secular Party of Australia
Party based on the radical notion that maybe we should be paying more than lip service to the separation of church and state.
Seniors United Party of Australia
Some good policies around making old age slightly less horrific, and some policies that are just about rich old people hoarding wealth. Swings and roundabouts.
Shooters, Fishers and Farmers
But mostly shooters.
The Small Business Party
They want boundless tax cuts and also more public infrastructure, just like I want to stop doing paid work and also buy a new motorbike. And they don’t seem to have realised that a firm regulatory environment is the only thing stopping big business from swallowing small business whole.
Socialist Alliance
A bit susceptible to sloganeering, but they’re not the flag-waving, Trotsky-quoting, secret handshake third generation unionist club that puts so many people off. Crucially, they’re quite active on climate change, which has traditionally been a bit of a weak point in Australian socialist policy.
Socialist Equality
The flag-waving, Trotsky-quoting, secret handshake third generation unionist club that puts so many people off. Still, smashing capitalism is a nice goal, so props to them for that.
Sustainable Australia
WE’RE NOT RACIST. WE’RE NOT! Thing is, if you’re banging on about a sustainable population but you’re only talking about slowing immigration without being willing to talk about slowing birth rates, I’m gonna go ahead and call you racist.
The Together Party
Centre-left party based in Mullumbimby. Very pleasant.
United Australia Party
Clive Palmer. The unflushable turd of Australian industry has become the unflushable turd of Australian politics. Would be entertaining if the stench weren’t so toxic.
Victorian Socialists
Recently created alliance of various Victorian lefty groups (and individuals). Seems a bit more accessible and populist than Socialist Equality.
VOTEFLUX.ORG | Upgrade Democracy!
Blockchain-based direct democracy: the public can vote to tell the senator which way to vote on any given bill. An interesting idea, but highly susceptible to organised influence-peddling.
WESTERN AUSTRALIA PARTY
Centre right localist party. I’m a little disappointed that they’re not calling for secession.
The Women’s Party
Why do we need a women’s party? Well, when I did a search on their name, google tried to autofill it to “women’s party dresses”. For real. It’s a very new party, so they haven’t had time to really flesh out their policies, but the main thrust is equal representation (currently women only make up 32% of our parliament), and they’ve got a few policy positions around gender issues, indigenous issues, corruption and climate change. One to watch in future elections.
Yellow Vest Australia
Formerly Australian Liberty Alliance. In 2016 I said: “Angry Anderson (remember him? didn’t think so) vowing to stop the Islamisation of Australia. Last time I checked, Islam was holding steady at 2.2% of the population, so maybe one bald dickhead is all it takes to hold the hordes at bay.” Well, since then it’s risen to 2.6% of the population, so I guess I called that one wrong. My bad. But nazi parties make up 17% of the ballot sheet, so I think the nazis are still winning.
